The last month of 2014 has been a dichotomy of positive and negative. The positive side has bathed me in the joy of a good relationship (which I absolutely do not under-appreciate). I love the home Alberto and I are creating, I love getting to see him every evening, I love having his energy around me so much of the time. I have also relished the extra time I have had since quitting my full-time job to relax, rest, and let my creative mind wander. I love the time I had this December to spend with my family, which was quite a shift from working in retail, and I loved watching my family and Alberto get to know each other a bit better. When I am nestled in my home, I have been so happy, and felt so lucky.
But I’ve also noticed a lot of negative self-talk pervading my thoughts the last four weeks. A tendency to stay home. Pessimism, dread, and fear gathering around my career goals. I put on a confident, hopeful face when asked by family and old friends what I have been up to these days, because I’m also hoping that by choosing to be optimistic, I’ll feel more genuinely optimistic.
So, here I am, at a wonderfully refreshing time of year, and I’ve got to figure out something to drive this darkness out of me. Because I cherish the good I have received from 2014 so much, I don’t want to give another millimeter of myself to the negative.
Last night Alberto and I went to dinner at one of our favorite little cozy places in Greenpoint. We had a lot of time to sip prosecco and chat about our last year, and our hopes for the next, as our appetizers took an hour and a half to get to us. We have some grand and exciting travel plans, of course, which also call for some fitness improvements– I need to be able to do some serious hiking later this year. Alberto would like to work less, and I would like to gain some clarity regarding my career (as vague as that is– I do not recommend vague resolutions). And I pledged to practice yoga every day in January. I’ve felt a bit of a disconnect from my body, and I’ve been feeling a bit depressed, and I know this practice always helps.
I think I face more uncertainty at this New Year than I have faced at many others. And it definitely makes me uncomfortable. But I hope, during these hours of yoga, that I can explore what great opportunities uncertainty can bring, and learn to let go of my fear.
After dinner, Alberto and I raced to Williamsburg bridge to drink spiked hot chocolate and watch the fireworks at midnight. We sang Old Lang Syne to each other (though neither of us know the words), shouted, danced, kissed, and ran like crazy down the freezing ramp. It felt good. I hope we say goodbye to 2015, and hello to 2016, the same way.